he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
