how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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