Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
