you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
MIDGETS
????
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
