There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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