I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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