shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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