Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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