Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
