She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
