I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
