Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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