That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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