Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
