apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
