Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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