I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
