No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
