i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
