Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
