seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
