If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
