I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
