ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
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I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
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She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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