I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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