the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
