I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
