I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
