I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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