I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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