Betty ford says i'm here all night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
