Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
