Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
