so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
