He uses pillows to masturbate.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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