I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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