She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
These tits shall not be calmed
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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