Moan for me like Helen Keller
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
