i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
now i know why i became what i already was.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
