i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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