Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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