He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
