I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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