Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
