So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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