guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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