i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Is it penis luge time yet?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
