i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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