Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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