we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
