Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
