Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
