Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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