So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
