fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
