it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
