you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
