Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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