My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
